Special Report: Declaimer Reveals He Delivered Entire Speech in Klingon

by Scarlet Letter Contributor

Satire

April 12, 2019

William Brown’s award-winning Greek declamation included no actual Greek, a spokesman for the declaimer confirmed on Wednesday.

“Mr. Brown decided that the content of his speech was more appropriate to the virile Ancient Klingon dialect,” the spokesman said, mentioning that Brown’s previous declamations had also been delivered in imaginary languages.

When pressed for comment, Brown explained: “Oh — I don’t know — I think it doesn’t really make a difference, as long as you shout enough. I mean, who notices these things?”

He also expressed interest in delivering a Vulcan declamation in the coming year.

Brown’s confession is the latest in a string of scandals that have recently rocked the Declamatory community. On Tuesday, John Lee reported that his speech consisted of a collection of Homeric formulas jumbled together in no particular order.

“It’s pretty easy, once you’ve read Homer enough. Ὅν κατὰ θύμον, θύμον ἐρέχθων, οἰνοπέδοιο, and so forth.”

He estimated that a vocabulary of about a half dozen stock Homeric phrases, judiciously arranged, would allow the average declaimer at least a half hour of straight speaking before the average BUA listener could notice the repetition.

Earlier in the week, one declaimer confessed that she had “spoken in tongues” for the entire speech, crediting her robust Pentecostal upbringing for the achievement.

Students were unperturbed by the revelations, local sources confirmed. One STEM student voiced indifference when asked for his reaction: “It all sounds basically the same to me.”

The Office of the Classics Department declined to comment.

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